Hyperactive seven-year-old: Mom! Let me lick your ear! Come here, let me suck it!
Disgusted mother: Boy, I ain't your girl!
--2 Train
White guy to black kid in subway doorway: Don't stop right in the doorway, you punk! Don't yell at me for running into you when you stopped in front of me!
Black kid: Yo, dude, if I were really, really black, I'd kill you right now!
--F Train
Woman: So I brought Elizabeth to New York and she was obsessed with escalators!
Friend: What?
Woman: Yea, every store we went to she had to ride the escalator! She got mad at me if she saw one that I didn't take her on. I had all this stuff planned for her: shopping, a bus tour, a Broadway musical... she just wanted to ride escalators!
Friend: That's hilarious. How old is she?
Woman: Eighteen.
--FIlene's Basement Escalators, Union Square
Overheard by: K Melv
Metro-north conductor: This train has five cars open.
Drunk teenage girl: Your mom has five cars open! Your mom's fellatio lips are open too!
(trio sits in row in front of girl and friend)
Drunk girl: I hate you, don't sit here. We're all going to throw up on you. Why are you still here? No one likes you.
Girl's friend: Why are you so drunk?
Drunk girl: That's something we'll never know.
--Metro-North
(couple enters elevator, making out and groping each other as they enter)
Meathead boyfriend to semi-attractive girlfriend: Are they going to make me sign out and then sign in when we get back?
Semi-attractive girlfriend: I'm not sure, I think probably.
Meathead boyfriend: Well, if it helps keep you safe...
Semi-attractive girlfriend: Speaking of safe, I think I have another stalker. But this time, he's 6'3", 230 pounds, and a fireman.
--Columbia Dorm
Overheard by: Z
50-something ghetto woman: So like when I was younger, I was totally infatuated with my father's brother.
Ghetto friend: Amen!
--Allerton Ave, Bronx
Old man: I know, I know, that man is a crook.
Older Russian man: A crook! I wish him to die.
Old man: Well, I don't wish death on anyone.
Older Russian man: Bah! I wish you to die. (walks off)
--113th & Broadway
Man to son: Ya like that cheesecake?
Son: Uh-huh, it's good.
Man: Go to school, get good grades, get a good job, you can have cheesecake like that whenever you want.
--Dinner near Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: taylor Morgan
Man: I got beat up a lot in high school. It made me a better person.
--College of Staten Island
Overheard by: Incredibly Amused
Little boy: You best lay the smackdown on that hoe!
--Times Square
Student: I don't get why everyone is making such a big deal about Chris Brown hitting Rihanna, it's not like he's the first man to ever hit a girl. Get over it, world!
--Manhattan College, Riverdale, The Bronx
Overheard by: Stephen
Girl on cell outside beauty salon: If I didn't have things to do tonight, I would totally just slap the crap out of that girl. Seriously.
--Brooklyn
Overheard by: maybe tomorrow, then?
Woman on cell: I went through this with my daughter this morning. (pause) Yeah, okay, you can hit me, but you can't hit anybody else.
--Cookshop Restaurant
White teenage boy to black teenage boy: She thinks I am a rapist or something.
(black teenage boy giggles) Which I am cool with, you know what I mean?
--Bay Ridge Ave & 4th Ave
Brunette Guido girl: Ohmigosh, you would love this girl, she's like, the only cool blonde person. This one time she was just like "Dude, can we just do the peace-and-love thing? Cause, I don't know how to fight."
--LIRR
Overheard by: whaaasgood
Fashion intern: I had swine flu last year, before it was cool.
--Cafeteria, Hearst Tower
Overheard by: interns are our future
Bike rider on phone, walking with girlfriend: I don't have his number, but you can call Tom* and go down there. Those guys are pretty cool. You can just go down there and give them a prostate massage.
--Riverside Park
Girl to friend: If it weren't for my sister's dog, I wouldn't have to drink during the day.
--Greenpoint
Overheard by: Kevin
Gay dude to another: It's so amazing how dogs get all up in there. Like, what if people had to introduce themselves that way? How great would it be if when I met you I had to sniff your ass?
--17th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: BT
Girl on cell: So wait, did Dr Siegel really charge you 150 dollars to chop a pimple off the dog's booty?
--Hart & Irving, Brooklyn
Girl to guy: Ever spend a lot of time with a Shih Tzu?
--MacDougal & 3rd St
Female voice outside my window: And I'm keeping the dog leg--I don't even care what you have to say!
--113th St b/w Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Elderly janitor, watching pierced teenagers get in line: I'm gonna fart on one of these people.
--Broadway & Houston
Angry man on cell: They think they're so perfect, but I bet they piss and burp and fart like the rest of us.
--80th St & 34th Ave
Hobo: Can you spare some change? I need to buy some new underwear, I farted and shat in these.
--83rd St & Broadway
Overheard by: new girl in town
Tiny brunette: Have you ever had to pee so bad, and suddenly you fart and then you don't have to pee that badly anymore?
--7 Train
Young woman to friend: Yeah, and then she started fartin' a bunch. But she was farting out of her pussy. And Ashley got pissed, cause then, she started makin' a beat out of it.
--125th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Stephen
Guy: So I'm like, "can I get a lighter?" and she pulls out two, and one is literally a penis with the flame coming out the tip, and the other one is a guy doing one of these moves, and the guy's like a tripod. So I'm like, "can I get one in a normal color?"
--Chinatown
African American man describing Indian restaurant to friend: That'll put fire in yo' ass.
--Midtown
Man to stranger: Hey, can I borrow you lighter? I need to go melt something in the bathroom.
--Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Tim
Conductor: Once again, there is nothing on fire! We got it under control. We apologize for the smoke. Next stop is Newark airport. There is nothing on fire.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Where there's smoke
Ghetto guy herding large group of rowdy kids off train: Scuse me, scuse me, scuse me! Lotta kids, they all ain't mine!
--C Train
Overheard by: Julie S.
Professional woman on cell: I mean, she said she'd finally come to the place where she realizes her kids are shit, and she can just wash her hands off the whole situation and be done with it!
--40th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Rachel
Receptionist to UPS guy: Shit, I got five kids, and they're all bad.
--6th Ave & 47th
Overheard by: thanks mom
Angry woman, yelling on phone: Nigga, don't give me that "parenting role" shit!
--Flatbush Ave & Park Place, Brooklyn
Concerned mother: He's not even potty-trained, all he does is eat the toilet paper.
--University Pl & 8th St
Overheard by: Justin
Woman: Well, I still remember that 5,820 feet is a mile, 36 feet is a yard...
--Grand Central Station
Overheard by: People are wrong.
Girl, looking at guy: If I give you five dollars, will you grow a foot long?
--6 Train
Overheard by: Jeggy
5th-grader to table full of friends: Attention everyone. I have finally reached five feet!
--Cafeteria, Private School
Overheard by: Maddy
Guy on cell: Holy shit! Hello Kitty is taller than me!
--Times Square
Chubby 20-something guy, feeding chips to chubby 20-something girlfriend while making airplane and spaceship noises: The exhaust port is only two meters wide!
--1 Train
Middle-aged woman, angrily on cell: You tell him to go outside right now, and take his clothes off!
--32nd St & Park Ave
Overheard by: djlori
Girl to friend: All of a sudden there's a naked man! Like, this doesn't translate well visually.
--Uptown 1 Train
Suit on cell: How about I send you two naked kids to have a good time? Fair enough?
--60th St & Columbus Ave
Overheard by: Stacey V
Girl on phone: Topless anarchy is still anarchy, man.
--5 Train
Short dude to friend: I woke up naked and wrapped in cellophane--again!
--Columbia University
Pudgy short guy #1: What's going on? Yoga! That's like stretching and stuff, right?
Pudgy short guy #2: No, man. It's like contortion and meditation and stuff! You think about your life.
Pudgy short guy #1: Oh, no way! I don't like thinking about my life. Like, living it is cool, but I don't want to think about it.
--Park, Long Island City
Overheard by: Courtsnort
Hobo #1: Yo, what it is brah?
Hobo #2: I don't know man, what it is witchyou?
Hobo #1: I don't know man, but I'm tryin' to get it!
--Washington Square Park
Young teen: Why are all examples in my physics books about animals?
Teacher: City buses and wheelbarrows are not animals.
--Riverdale, Bronx
Overheard by: Ali P!
Guy #1: I hate those things.
Guy #2: Breasts?
--L Train
Overheard by: Derek
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Page Summary
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overheardnyc : ...So, No Performing Aural. [+0] - overheardnyc : Too Bad I Quit Being Black on the Subway [+0]
- overheardnyc : Translation: She Loves Her Mushrooms. [+1]
- overheardnyc : It's Right Up There with "Who Shot JFK?" [+0]
- overheardnyc : ...Transvestite [+0]
- overheardnyc : Can I Hear You Say "Uncle?" [+0]
- overheardnyc : Their 10 O'Clock Show Is Completely Different from Their 8 O'Clock Show [+0]
- overheardnyc : And a Prestigious Heart Attack by Forty [+1]
- overheardnyc : Wednesday Will Punch You Right in the One-Liners [+0]
- overheardnyc : Wednesdays Wish They Could Be More Like One-Liners [+0]
- overheardnyc : Every One-Liner Has His Wednesday [+0]
- overheardnyc : Ew, Who Wednesday One-Linered? [+0]
- overheardnyc : Smokey Says, "Only You Can Prevent Wednesday One-Liners!" [+0]
- overheardnyc : Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners Of Your Own! [+0]
- overheardnyc : Wednesday One-Liners, Approximately [+5]
- overheardnyc : Hey, Wednesday, Your One-Liner Is Showing! [+0]
- overheardnyc : I Don't Even Like Thinking About Life Cereal [+1]
- overheardnyc : ...But, Like I Always Say, Bros Before Hobos. [+1]
- overheardnyc : To Be Fair, What Does a Bronx Kid Know About Wheelbarrows? [+0]
- overheardnyc : How to Come Out As Gay in One Easy Step [+0]